{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?