Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
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Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird