Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
You Might Also Like
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I think I’m having a stroke
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
OH. COME. ON.