If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
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Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Great game to play with friends
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.