none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
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Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run