My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
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Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
2023 was just a warmup
incredible text to wake up to
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!