Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
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George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle