“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
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You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
what’s more important?
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?