My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
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Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
What a chick magnet..
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Probably my best painting.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
BRO LMFAO