Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
You Might Also Like
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Vodka burrito was a success
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*