In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
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Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
waiting for halloween be like:
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color