I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
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I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.