People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
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if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”