Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
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May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
wait.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears