I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
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therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.