cry laughing at this shit
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I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Worst Native American name ever.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up