Thanks to a fan for this one!
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Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy