I triple waxed for this?
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I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
New favorite tiktok
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.