Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
You Might Also Like
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.