Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
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[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot