Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
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[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.