me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
You Might Also Like
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Another interesting #factupdates post!
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
So many pants.
So little yoga.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook