Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
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*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
These 3D printers are insane!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*