Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
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The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
FINE, I WON’T.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.