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*What time is it?~How my send button should function
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.