*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
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I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Never let them know your next move 😂
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go