[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
You Might Also Like
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher