Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
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Based Erika
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.