Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
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I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.