Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
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If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
God has left this place
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.