I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
You Might Also Like
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
What is going on? 😅
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.