Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
You Might Also Like
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
This kid is a star!
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?