The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
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Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Spring of Deception
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
*updates tinder bio*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”