#Caturday
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Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I only say stupid things when I talk.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”