Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
You Might Also Like
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Bro what is this
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Thursday Thought.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end