I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can鈥檛 explain this 馃槶
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James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I鈥檓 going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Clerk: we鈥檙e not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I鈥檓 not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I鈥檓 not not saying it.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a pi帽ata.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they鈥檙e called priests, Linda.