I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
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BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!