when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
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I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
When your parents check you’re ok.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.