IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
You Might Also Like
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
🤣✨#caturday
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
How dramatic are you?
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.