Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
another case of gang violins
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
me hooking up with my ex
can I use a minion as a tampon
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”