I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
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Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Nose
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak