SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
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Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down