Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
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*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
plums roundup
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
When you’ve simply given up.