Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
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[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
welcome back
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.