Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
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What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I like crazy people until they notice me
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
it must be school picture day