If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
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my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
mood
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.