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Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
listen closely
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store