I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
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Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.