Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
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I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”