ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
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Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I love the honesty
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.